cOunt 2 Three: Divide & Conquer Edition jOlt play-by-play announcer, Michael Buhrman, sits down with Misty Gold, Mike Extreme's valet/girlfriend, and Ryan Gallway, member of the Heirs of Wrestling, to discuss what they think the outcomes of the Divide & Conquer line-up will be. - Flyweight Championship: Avispa Ultima(c) vs. Cordova "Cordova has regained some excellent momentum, proving a fitting contender to Avispa Ultima's Flyweight Championship. This will most certainly be a well fought war. It will be one HECK of a hot opener to the PPV, but there's no way that Cordova can fight against the numbers advantage if it is to come into play." BUHRMAN: AVISPA ULTIMA "Like I'm going to NOT pick the little guy all dressed in gold! I love gold! What, it's yellow? Eeeeew. Even if he wears leather. Eeeew. His whole gang is ugly then, and I usually LOVE gangs. I'll pick the guy in red then, even though red is AWFUL for my complexion. He at least has gold on his head." GOLD: CORDOVA "These motherf*ckers should be counting their lucky stars I'M not in this match. It's the Avispa Clan leader... the group WE'RE gonna be snuffing out later.. against Cordova, who's only now started coming into his own. Avispa retains in a match people will cheer for and I will ignore because RYAN GALLWAY is the best high flyer this organization has. Both of them can suck my intergalactic nines!" GALLWAY: AVISPA ULTIMA - Relentless/International Championship Unification Match: The Nashvillain vs. JCON "The International Championship is a JOKE. What the hell is it even around for? Rush was a stupid drunk and Akon or JCON or whatever hasn't been relevant since he rolled around with Young Jeezy in 2007. Nashvillain is the Sole Survivor and Conspiracy's overrated ass can go back to the unemployment line with Brandon Blade... just another q... what the f*ck is a Brandon Blade?" GALLWAY: THE NASHVILLAIN "They both have Championships? Well that's cute. I kept telling Mikey that he should have brought back the X-Treme Championship from the old jOlt and they woulda put him in one of these matches no problem! Said he wanted to smash faces instead. Whatevs! That Nash guy is fat and disguuusting, and JCON is muuuch sexier, so I choose him." GOLD: JCON "Size advantage, numbers advantage and momentum is in one man's corner. Even without defeating Sylo, he proved he could hang with an upper-echelon talent. JCON has yet to regain the hype of his glory days. I have to go with The Villain, as much as it pains me to back a man who'll no doubt go to despicable lengths." BUHRMAN: THE NASHVILLAIN - Mask vs. Mask: One Eye vs. Phoenix "I can't wear white because my bronzer always leaves brown smudges on it. Eeew, right? But I love love love that he wears so much gold. I have to pick Phoenix, I just HAVE to." GOLD: PHOENIX "One Eye hails from Japan, my home away from home. However, Phoenix has been the aggressor in this feud and is more likely to come out with his mask intact. I fully support Phoenix in this match to come out on top... that's what I'd be saying to you if I understood or cared about anything involving this sh*t." GALLWAY: PHOENIX "You have to be saddened by how quickly this potential alliance of stand up guys devolved, do you not? It is rare in this day and age that the good guys team-up, because it usually comes down to the bad guys getting the advantage. Who has more to lose in this fight? After One Eye was outed by Phoenix, just last week on Warriors 04, you would think that Phoenix's pride is on the line? If One Eye capable of what Phoenix said he was though...? Still, I have to support the good guy here." BUHRMAN: PHOENIX - Tag Team Championships: Team VIAGRA vs. The Jury vs. Heirs of Wrestling vs. Clan Avispa "Tag teams? Yuuuuck. I hate getting tag teamed, you never know what direction they're coming from... and I HATE IT when ever anyone messes up my hair. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Well, it's not like Mr. Extreme needs it, but I've never not been a fan of Viagra. When it comes to old guys... it makes my life a lot easier. Hmmm, and a lot harder too. Now I'm confused. Why are you laughing? Did I just tell a joke?" GOLD: Team VIAGRA "I am sorry for Misty Gold folks, we try to keep things from getting X-rated. R-rated is just fine, but X-rated will get us in trouble with sponsors. The Jury is the dark horse in this match, having had less time to make noise for themselves in jOlt. The Clan Avispa could take advantage of the numbers game that they own, at any time. An impressive thought even for this match. Team VIAGRA is by far the most veteran team in this match, with a big big stage player in High Flyer. But the Heirs of Wrestling? As young as they are, they've gained gold absolutely everywhere they've been. Have to go with them, by a Heir or two." BUHRMAN: HEIRS OF WRESTLING "This is a FARCE. OBJECTION. No, I've never heard of LLB. Those belts should've just been GIVEN to us at the start, but me and Frank are gonna show these assbites who reigns supreme here! VIAGRA are a bunch of punk b*tches who're only in this match because they took turns slobbing Damien Lee's knobs under the table. The Avispa Clan, see the previous comment and The Jury are about a day late and a WIC check short. The Heirs are their better!" GALLWAY: HEIRS OF WRESTLING - Divide & Conquer Match "I think I know what direction both of the other two will be going with their picks, so I will do my best to give you the readers a more thoughtful prediction. It's a wide open field with several very talented competitors. Ultimately you have to go for either size or experience though, with battle royales. Do I go with Grendel or with this rumored Demon of Dublin? Our Relentless Champion, the Nashvillan? I'll actually go with long-time Legacy of Champions stalwart, an incredibly talented competitor... making his jOlt debut in this very match-up." BUHRMAN: NINJA K. "YAY MIKEY! GO MR. EXTREME! GO! GO! GO!" GOLD: MIKE EXTREME "You know they say all men are created equal. But you look at me and Frank Silver and you look at the rest of the monkeys in this match and you can see that statement is not true. See, normally if you go one on one with another wrestler, you gotta 50-50 chance of winning. But me and Frank are both Genetic Freaks! So you got a 25 per cent - at best - to beat either of us. And then you add the other fodder to the mix, their chances of winning drastically go down. You see, in this match, you got a 1 in 40 chance of winning. But Frank and I, who will be the Jolt Tag Team Champions and will have made a pact to win this match, will be drastically increased twofold! The others guys only have a 1 in 40 chance of winning and the rest of the roster knows they can't beat us and they're not even gonna try! So, guys, the rest of the roster you can take their 1 in 40 chance and combine it with our 2 in 40 or 1 in 20 chance of winning and they're gonna find out... THEY'RE ALL gonna find out. When you take our 1 in 20 chance of winning and multiply 20 by seventy-five, we then have a 1500 percent chance of winning! See, jOlt, the numbers don't lie and they spell disaster for you all at Divide and Conquer! Heirs. Your better!" GALLWAY: FRANK SILVER or RYAN GALLWAY - Underground Championship: Derecho(c) vs. Citizen "Mikey was robbed in this tournament. If he hadn't have had to fight that bald tattooed ugly man, he tooootally would be Underground Champion RIGHT NOW. It's too bad tattooed and ugly isn't in this match or else I would have picked against him. Since the Underground title isn't even GOLD either, I can't pick the Champion because he has poor taste in accessories. I'll pick Citizen. He beat up that tattooed ugly man too." GOLD: CITIZEN "You guys might not know this, but that Derecho guy has a f*cking SCREW LOOSE! But that having been said, Citizen went through that tournament undefeated. And with THAT having been said, this masked mook is gonna have a hard time prying that Underground Title from Derecho's cold dead hands." GALLWAY: DERECHO "You have to appreciate the road that Citizen has taken to get here. Although he split the decision with Keller, he still walked away as the winner of the Underground tournament and I would have said he was the LOCK to win here, if not deserve a Champion of his own... if Derecho had not of proven to be such a force within the division. Because of the chaos he is responsible for... in a division built around that very creed? I have to pick him." BUHRMAN: DERECHO MAIN EVENT - jOlt Championship Ladder Match: Superstar Vince Jacobs vs. Sylo "SVJ gets stricken with a case of Alzheimers on the way to his 80th birthday party and ends up dying at the hands of one of the most overrated pieces of dreck in this sport going today. Sylo and his big blue pubes beat out SVJ and his Touch of Gray." GALLWAY: SYLO "Sssh'ah... like, really? I don't know why Mr. Extreme can't be in this match. This is haaaaard. Okay, okay, you want me to pick? What are there colors? Hmmm, purple and blue? I like how purple goes with gold better, so I pick purple." GOLD: SUPERSTAR VINCE JABOBS "Who do you pick in a match with such huuuge ramifications. We are talking about the first jOlt Champion since even before the rebirth. That's even if Sylo comes back to the COUNTRY in time for the match. For that reason, the mental edge, my pick?" BUHRMAN: SUPERSTAR VINCE JACOBS