PPV Picks with Jeff Hartman & Jon Le Bon
The scene opened up with two directors chairs and a small platform between them in front of a big screen. In those chairs were jOlt Wrestling commentator Jeff Hartman and everyone's favorite lover of orange peanuts... "The Rockstar" Jon Le Bon!
Hartman: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here against my will with "The Rockstar" Jon Le Bon and we are going to get his insight on the upcoming Cataclysm Pay-Per-View event coming to in just seven days on Sunday, September 22nd! Goddamn I feel like a sell out. Do I REALLY have to read that teleprompter? Can't I just sit here and NOT be a corporate puppet?
Le Bon: I used to be a puppet and then I hired a wrestler who thinks he's a lawyer. He did "something" (complete with air quotations) and now I'm on the main roster. You just have to fight the man!
Hartman: Well le dee fricken da.. I'm still stuck on The Hype working next to a no talent hack. Say.. you think this guy can.. how did you put it? Hashtag get me off the hype?
Le Bon: I don't know. He disappeared into the ether from whence he came and now I don't think he'll ever return. I guess we could try using a summoning circle. We'll need a cadaver or something similar to sacrifice. If we can't find a cadaver, I'm sure Jon Katz Jr's dancing career will work, too.
Hartman: I could discuss this at length with you, but I'm being threatened with my paycheck if I don't move this along.. so...let's hear your take on the first match of the event which will be Romeo Ruster Reno taking on some pineapple boy named Bryan Dawkins.
Le Bon: I don't like pineapples.. the thorns really hurt when you bite into them and the leaves are very bitter so I'm going to say Romeo Ruster Reno takes this match because apparently he believes he's some big time Hollywood star when he's probably a pinup in some poor teen girl's bedroom at best. I mean.. if I were a girl.. and last time I checked I wasn't, thank God... I would do much better than Ruster Reno.. I'd simply just go out with myself because I'm simply just perfect!
Hartman: So.. if you were a girl.. you'd go out with yourself? Wouldn't that make you a self gratifying incestual lesbian?
Le Bon: Yes... yes it would.
Hartman: Just checking.. how about the second match of the night where we will see the team of reVolt going against the next Generation superstars?
Le Bon: I've won more matches than reVolt. That's a real stat, by the way! Also.. I'm mad about the next Generation superstars. I was supposed to by this studded ring, size 12, from Diamond Jewelz and he gave me some shady directions.. and Jameson Lennox seems more interested in Ruby Rocks Jewelz than the match.. so I think while he faps in a corner Jewelz will single-handedly defeat the random mexican and god complex people.
Hartman: A size 12 ring!? You're like 150lbs soaking wet... your fingers can't possibly be a size 12.
Le Bon: Think Hartman.. the ring wasn't for my finger.
Hartman: If it wasn't for your finger then that means it was for.... ah ha haaaaa!
Le Bon: Oh YEAH!
Hartman: My man! I'm sure mine would measure bigger... especially after the next match for the vacant Starlet Championship... Desiree taking on Charolette and Aria Murphy herself will be there to witness and present the winner with the title.. and I won't be on the card so I'll just be sitting at home with my DVR, replaying this part of the PPV over and over with a box of Kleen..... oh.. right.. your thoughts?
Le Bon: We get to see jigglies jangling and bippities boppin all over the ring... and let's not forget those camera angles on the pins, too!
*Hartman High Fives Le Bon*
Hartman: I knew I liked you for a reason! So how about Derrick Huber vs Craig Thomas? ......... What do you mean Le Bon didn't pick a winner for the last match? WHO CARES!? It's for four boobs, two holes, and a pair of heartbeats flipping and flopping around the ring! We ALL win.
Le Bon: I heard the loser has to leave jOlt Wrestling.. you know who's NOT leaving jOlt Wrestling because he now has an Iron Clad Contract!? THIS GUY! So we have a skin head obsessed with monkies and a fat dude who thinks he's an athelte at a casino. Well monkies fling poo and fat people can flatten monkies so I think Derrick Huber gets the win.
Hartman: A monkey flung his poo at me once. I killed it. The zoo wasn't happy and I can no longer go back there.
Le Bon: Zoos are evil anyway.. The animals just sit there in their cages all day and plot. Yes.. they're plotting.. crafty bastards. I'll have no part in that.
Hartman: So next we have The Heirs of Wrestling vs The Crimson Order for the jOlt Tag Team Championships...
Le Bon: You mean the Heirs of Wreslting Le Bon! Remember.. it's HOWL now! I see HOWL retaining because they accepted me as one of their own! They are also one of my Twipo followers which means that they are like brothers to me! I love Twipo and Bookface and YouPorn and all those great sites!
Hartman: You mean YouTube?
Le Bon: I believe I made my statement
*Another high five between the two*
Hartman: I'm getting bored with this crap. So let's just rapid fire! Ninja K, Landon Stevens, Omega for the Underground Title
Le Bon: Omega wasn't bought by a Korean so he loses. Landon Stevens isn't a Ninja so he loses...Ninja K kills them both.. twice each and retains.
Hartman: Open Season
Le Bon: Do you have an eight-sided die?
Hartman: Uhm.. no?
Le Bon: I figured you didn't.. so I brought one.
*Le Bon rolls the die.. it lands on 6*
Le Bon: Tyke it is!
Hartman: Works for me! Aran Thompson vs Derecho
Le Bon: Deadrecho will win, get his belt back and then my new friend will give me the first title shot and I will win with a finger poke of doom and become the face of jOlt Wrestling! Clearly I fit the mold of being the face of the company!
Hartman: Good enough for me.. let's go get drunk.
*an inaudible voice from off camera*
Hartman: What do you mean I forgot the Phoenix Rose Invitational? Screw that.. I want beer.. if you want to talk about that, then maybe you should have gotten Phoenix Rose to do this damn segment.
Le Bon: Viva Beer and orange peanuts!
The two of them leave the stage and walk off as the scene fades to black.